I have often thought that the most difficult thing I will ever do in life is to be in a meaningful relationship or in authentic community. I imagine that when I cross over, God will say” well Lutricia, it looks like it could go either way heaven or hell. Is there anything you can say that might help us decide?” And I hope I will be able say, well, I was a lover; and she will say go to heaven.
I heard in one group a word play on the term community, as Come-Unity. And it occurred to me that what is asked of us in almost all of our relationships, is to come to unity…come to love. And for me that is the best definition of community … coming to unity or love.
As I notice the societal landscape now. There are wars and rumors of wars. There’s violence in our schools, neighborhoods, at home, and unrelenting dissension in our families and organizations and in society as a whole. I believe that coming to unity may be our only hope.
I am asked most often. What is this thing called community all about? What do you have to do to achieve it; and how do you keep it? Although I have spent most of my life as a teacher, counselor, community builder, I still do not have a definitive answer to those questions, I am not sure there is one.
But, I am pretty sure that true community cannot be achieved like a “to do”. It is not a number on our list of tasks, like number 2 “come to community with my family by 5pm Friday. Community is more of a felt sense of our realness in our relationships with each other and is different for each of us.
But there are common elements that help us experience the sense of community or love and help us deepen our connection to each other. And that is what I would like for us to consider. What do we know that helps us develop community or love? What I have to say about this is not nearly as profound as our heart’s wisdom. I only hope to lift up what I believe we all know, and I invite you to take from this only that which speaks most clearly to your heart.
Community is a moment-to-moment experience of self in company. It is a deep availability that is influenced only by the encounter before us, regardless of past experiences, our cultural or racial identity. In my opinion, it is the ultimate act of love, to be truly available in the moment and willing to share one’s self with another.
Paradoxically one needs to be a strong individual with a deep regard for self in order to come to unity or love. It requires a willingness to risk the pain of loss. And we know that it takes strong internal emotional muscle to withstand rejection, abandonment and loss. We must know at our deepest core that at the end of the day, no matter who has come or gone, we are never alone.
In some sense we are all broken and wounded, we have all experienced a less than perfect life and we all have scars that need attending and healing. So we come, to community with deficits. No one shows up perfect. But unfortunately, we think of community as a perfect experience. One in which there is no difference or disagreement; we must love perfectly and be loved the same, we will never be betrayed abandoned or neglected. The ones with whom we come to unity can never disappoint us or act badly.
But true community, or love, involves all of the above. Sometimes we will act badly; sometimes we will be neglectful, sometimes we will disappoint or be disappointed. After all we are human. We accept that we are all in some way wounded; but we know that underneath those scars there is someone who is very beautiful and good; we can be a mirror for our neighbors and loved ones that reflect their beauty, who they really are and how much we love and value them; and they can do the same for us. Coming to community requires a presence that calls us to speak and act the truth as we experience it without seeking a reward and without attachment to the outcome. True community is the ultimate test of patience and forgiveness, the stuff of love.
When we come to love there is a balance of giving and receiving. Often we expect a lot more from community than we are willing to give for its sustenance and nourishment. I often hear, “well I am not going to get involved because I don’t feel love there”, or “I feel isolated and alienated”; or “people are not very friendly, I have nothing in common with them”, “no one talks to me”. “My family has turned their back on me and therefore I will turn my back on them”. I have learned that you must offer that which you seek. It is like our relationship with any bank with which we do business. We don’t show up at the window expecting to make a withdrawal if there have been no deposits.
If you are coming to community for friendship, then you must be a friend; if what you need is compassion then you must offer a healing presence; if you want someone to notice and attend to you then you must offer time and attention. If what you are looking for is unconditional acceptance; then you must leave your own judge at home; and if what you are looking for is unconditional positive regard; then you must enter into every encounter open to a genuine interpersonal experience; And if your are looking to be forgiven, then you must offer forgiveness. So the experience of community, unity or love is really a personal matter based on a delicate balance of giving and receiving. I suggest that if you are not getting what you want, notice what you are giving.
True community is not abusive. I define abuse as any circumstance in which boundaries that establish a sense of safety and personal integrity are violated. And in our most difficult relationships in which there seems to be nothing but disagreement and dissonance, abuse is never acceptable. But as we come to community we must remember there is a difference between the pain of honest loving and abuse; and for each of us that difference must be understood and established.
Often we are confused, how much pain and struggle must be endured in the name of love. How do we set boundaries in the name of self-care? We must know the difference between the boundaries we set for the sake of safety and integrity; and those that keep others out because we fear rejection and loss. We must know whether we are part of a loving process or if we are “road-kill” for someone’s narcissistic need. Your heart’s wisdom can be helpful here. All you need do is listen.
Finally community/love is about all the security this life has to offer. Our possessions, money, kinds and numbers of degrees, the kind of car we drive, how we look, or the house and neighborhood in which we live can never replace the deep inner peace and sense of safety that is freely available when we come together. It cannot replace the deep satisfaction and joy that comes when we know that we love and are loved.
So here is my hope and wish for each of us. I hope that love comes pure and honest. I hope it offers great comfort, prosperity, happiness and healing; And when love comes and in whatever form it arrives, I hope each of us can say; I am available.